Start Again it goes like this
by MakeLoveNotSense
Summary: He tells you that you aren't a bad anything. You think: maybe we're repeating ourselves. Spoilers up to 6x22 - The Hole in the Heart.


A/N: Spoilers for everything up to 6x22 - The Hole in the Heart. Title from _My Very Best_ by Elbow.

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><p><span>Start Again (it goes like this)<span>

:::

Your head is on his shoulder and you ask him if you are a bad person for worrying what people think of you when somebody died.

(please don't make me leave)

He tells you that you aren't a bad anything.

You think:_ maybe we're repeating ourselves_.

:::

"So, your name is…"

"I'm Doctor Temperance Brennan. I'm a forensic anthropologist at the Jeffersonian Institute. I'm your partner."

"Right." He looks like a stranger. "Doctor Temperance Brennan. Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it?"

"Actually, you call me Bones."

"Bones." He tries it on his tongue. It doesn't quite fit right. "And what do you call me?"

(and you want to say 'Shoes', you want to go right back to the beginning before him asking your name felt like he shot your heart out, you want to take him to a bar and drink tequila and kiss him and never never let go)

"Booth. Because that's your name."

And the matter-of-fact tone seems to spark recognition is his face, so at least that's something.

:::

You've been sick twice.

You've tried to rationalise it – stomach bug, shock after Vincent's death – but then you realise that everyone's spent six years telling you not to be so rational, and one impossible thing has already happened this week: telling yourself something is impossible isn't enough to stop you believing anymore.

You buy the test. You buy two more.

The first one shows two blue lines.

You pause for a second, then reach for the other two boxes and throw them in the bin.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome.

:::

He calls you Bones in bed. It shouldn't feel right.

(it feels like he's showing you his Heaven)

:::

You write him an e-mail every day you're in Maluku.

You don't send any of them, of course. It's quite clear he was leaving _you_, as opposed to just leaving.

(that distinction matters now where it didn't before. Maybe he's proud of you for that.

Maybe he wishes he wasn't)

When Hannah's picture is on his phone, and Hannah's arm is around his shoulders, you go home and wipe the hard drive.

If he can start over, so can you.

:::

You don't know what to say.

Because for all the years behind you, you've never talked about yourselves. Yes, you _defend_, and you _justify_,

(just partners, just friends, just everything you have or want)

but you don't discuss. You don't talk about when he danced with you, when he pulled a gun on your father, when you kissed him, when he died for you, when he lived for you, when he called you 'wife' and you ran thousands of miles. You don't talk about that time you asked him for a baby.

(you don't talk about the night he whispered _Bones_ and all you said was _yes_)

You'll have to talk about it now.

:::

He kisses you again.

But this time you're not drunk. This time it's not a deal. He's pleading with you to _give this a chance, Bones, just give this a chance_. And you think: do you know me? Have you ever known me?

You don't gamble, you don't take risks, you aren't the one who bets the best thing you've ever had on a _chance._

(and then you think: do I know myself?

You used to stay all night at the lab (but now he drags you away, and there's a pile of work on your desk that never gets done)

You used to travel all over the world (but now you daren't leave him, because what if you lose him _again_ and this time he doesn't come back because you aren't there to come back to)

You used to say 'I don't know what that means' (but now you've stopped trying to understand because he explains it for you anyway)

You smile at crime scenes now. People die. He makes you laugh.)

You want your certainty back. So you turn him down, then walk away to go look for yourself.

:::

You'd like to say you don't know why you go to the doctor's clinic. You'd be lying.

He's always been the emotional one; you've always needed proof. But now you don't know what to do or say, you don't know how you feel. And some part of you thinks that maybe it's him who needs the evidence this time.

While you wait for the results, you try to picture it: not soon, but years down the line. Him and you and what you created: a family better than either of you have ever known.

(there may be more than one kind of family, but you know which kind you want with him)

You want that future, where he sings your child to sleep and kisses you goodnight.

Maybe you know what to say to him after all.

"Miss Brennan? I'm sorry. It's a false positive."

:::

You don't cry when he dies.

Sweets is right: you compartmentalise. There is a little box in your head where all your emotions go and you've sealed everything that could ever hurt you away in there.

(the box is labelled Bones, and inside it is everything he taught you to feel. You are nobody's Bones now: you don't have to feel anything)

When he comes back, you punch him.

(you feel everything)

:::

You don't want to tell him.

Angela would say that you should. Angela would say that you don't have to do everything alone. Angela is the only person you talk to about that night.

Angela has a husband and a baby.

You don't want to tell her, either.

:::

But:

One positive test. Two in the trash can.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing…

You expected. You were not insane.

You were wrong, though.

:::

"Booth, can we talk?"

"Sure, Bones. What about?"

(you never say anything important.

Until you do.)

:::

This evening, you'll walk into his apartment, kiss him softly

(like you do this every day)

and ask him to sit down.

"When I thought you were dead I spent the night here," you'll start. And you won't stop until he knows everything.

Later, you'll say: _maybe we're repeating ourselves_.

He'll say: _then let's go for a different outcome._

(even later, both of you will say: _I told you so_.

You'll both be right.)


End file.
